Shared Meaning

Before my husband and I got engaged, I received some of the best advice a person could get before getting married. My older sister sat me down and said, “Summer make sure that you talk to this man that you love about the important things in your life before getting married.  Talk about how you want to parent, how many kids you want, your hopes and desires, your thoughts on your role as a wife and then let him do the same.”  I did just as my sister suggested and talked to my fiancé. We asked some hard questions and we asked the ones we might not have thought about talking about until maybe an issue arose.

At the time I didn’t realize just how good that advice was that my sister have given me.  As a couple that was about to get married we were able to see how we connected on our thoughts, dreams, roles, and expectations of one another.  Gottman (2015) stated, “I’ve come to identify four critical mainstays of shared meaning.  When couples build these together, they enrich their relationship and family life” (p.263).  Discussing these topics before marriage let us see how compatible we really were.  In the beginning stages of a relationship its easy to just see the good in each other, it is easy to look pass those little things that might cause issues down the road. We had such a positive experience of doing this, that we now suggest the same thing to those we know that are getting married.

Twelve years later my husband and I still make sure to feed our marriage by taking care of what Gottman (2015) calls the “Four Pillars of Shared Meaning-rituals of connection, support for each other’s roles, shared goals, and shared values and symbols.”  We have established traditions in our family that we look forward to. Traditions like having a fancy valentines dinner at home, making Mexican food on Christmas eve with my family, and dressing up as a family on Halloween.  Some of these traditions are new and some have been passed down from our grandparents. We have learned to continue to support one another in our roles as a spouse, parent, and friend.  We try our best to encourage each other to pursue their dreams.  We spend time together doing things we love as a couple and a family.  Sure, we might not agree on everything, but doing as my sister advised us to do years ago help us to hash out or talk about some of the big areas of disagreements.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.